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Seventh Session: Jess

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“How are you doing today, Jess?” Louis asked, patiently waiting for her answer.

She smiled. “I’m really not sure.”

“Where are your thoughts right now?”

“Just thinking that today is our last session. And I have all of these pieces of advice that you’ve given me to help me move forward. I’m just not sure how to do it.”

“Moving forward simply requires you to look at the parts of your life that are working, use those parts to establish a safe place that creates a feeling of comfort and familiarity, and devise a plan to take you were you are to where you want to be.”

“Sounds easier said than done.” She chuckled.

“Then why don’t we start by identifying your goal. What would you hope to accomplish by the end of this session?”

“To not feel broken anymore.”

“Dig deeper. What was the thing that made you feel broken?”

“It wasn’t one thing. It was a cluster of a lot of things.”

“Like what?”

“Like–feeling sad, anxious, depressed, and overwhelmed all the time.”

“If I were to go back to our initial session,” Louis said, flipping through his notes in her file until he found the notes in question. He took a moment and then returned. “Let’s see, you said that you felt a heavy sadness weighing you down. Like you were dragging yourself through life. You said that everything seemed empty and meaningless. And that you wanted to enjoy your life, but you couldn’t. Do you remember any of that?”

“Yes, I remember saying that.” Jess smiled.

“What if I asked you to simplify what you were feeling in order to create one overall statement. What would you say?”

“I would say that I deal with depression.”

“Okay, but that is a blanket statement. How can you create an overall statement that describes your depression in a way that is more personal to you?”

“Uhm, I would say that–” Jess sat quietly, pondering over the answer to his question. Finally, with a shrug of her shoulders, she chuckled. “I’m not sure.”

“Let’s go back. We compartmentalized your home, work, and social environment. Do you remember doing that?”

“Yes, I remember.”

“What was the purpose of our doing that?”

“You said that we had to divide them into three parts,” she returned.

“For what purpose?”

“To be able to look at them separately. At the time, everything seemed like it was all clustered together.”

“What were the three parts?”

“My personal life.”

“Which included what?”

”The things I do around the house, such as my chores and my interaction with my family.”

“What were the other two parts?”

“My work environment, and my social life.”

“That is correct. And then we looked at the single entity that tied them all together. Do you remember what that was?”

“Yes, I remember.”

“What was it?”

“We redefined the things I was feeling, like fear, anger, helplessness, and not feeling in control.”

“And you came up with a single sentence that embodied all of those things to identify the reason you felt broken. What was it?”

“Being bullied in school.”

“And what did we do with that realization?”

“We looked at how being bullied affected my personal life, my work environment, and my social life.”

“What happened next?”

”Uhm, we decided that there was a common thread in all three categories that resulted in the negative way in which I perceived myself.”

“You identified that common thread as your feeling vulnerable, helpless, and not in control. Is that how you would describe yourself currently?”

“Despite our sessions, I still struggle with that.”

“And the reason for that is even though you have gone through the steps to identify the thing that rendered your feelings of brokenness, we haven’t devised a game plan to help you move forward.”

“That’s what we’re doing today, right?”

“That is correct. So, if you describe yourself as feeling vulnerable, helpless, and not in control, what traits would you use to describe how you would like to feel?”

“I would say the opposite of where I am now?

“Let’s look at that. What is the definition of vulnerable?”

“Being easily hurt.”

“Okay, what about, helpless?”

“Not able to defend yourself.”

“Good job, and what about not feeling in control?”

“Not being free to make your own choices. You feel like things are always happening to you, instead of for you,” Jess said.

“Okay, what is the opposite of being easily hurt?”

“Feeling stronger emotionally and physically.”

“Since we’re looking at this from a psychological standpoint, let’s just go with feeling stronger emotionally. Can we agree on that?”

“Yes.”

“What is the opposite of feeling helpless?”

“Feeling more independent.”

“And what about not feeling in control-what’s the opposite of that?”

“When you have a say in making your own decisions.”

“Good. Now let’s combine those answers into one sentence, using the opposite of what you’re currently feeling. How would you began. Start with, I want to become–and finish that sentence.”

“Okay, I want to become stronger, more independent, and be able to make my own decisions.”

“Very good. You have just identified your goal.”

“Oh, okay.” She chuckled, “So what do I do now?”

“Let’s set a time frame for when you would like to reach your goal. Remember, if you give yourself too short a period of time, you run the risk of feeling overwhelmed because of the other things you’re trying to accomplish. On the other hand, if you give yourself too long a period of time, you run the risk of losing interest. So, given that, what do you think your time frame should be?”

“I would like to reach my goal in six months. Is that a good period of time?”

“This is your personal goal. Therefore, the time frame you decide is strictly up to you.”

“Okay, so what now?”

“Let’s talk about your dedication–your pledge for sticking to your goal. How would you exercise your level of commitment?”

“I would work really hard to achieve it.”

“Dig deeper. How would you work hard?”

“By sticking to it.”

“That’s a good way to demonstrate commitment. But one thing you’ll want to remember is that being able to commit yourself to reaching this type of goal, is recognizing the importance of having patience. You do that by understanding that this is a work in progress. Meaning, some days you’re going to feel like you can conquer the world–like everything is clicking, and falling into place. And some days–you may experience a set back that could make you want to give up. But by being patient, you will understand that what you’re feeling is normal. On the other hand, which is in complete contrast to patience, you recognize that this is a work in progress. Therefore, you will need to push yourself on days when you experience a setback to refrain from falling into a rut and eventually giving up.”

“Okay, I can see that.” Jess nodded in agreement.

“Now the only thing left is to devise a game plan.”

“How do I do that?”

“Let’s go back to what it is you’re trying to accomplish.” Louis flipped back to the page in his notes. “Let’s see you said that you wanted to be stronger emotionally, you wanted to be more independent, and you wanted to make your own decisions.”

“I know I said those things. Right now, those are just ideas that I want to stick with. But if I’m being honest, I’m not sure where I would start.”

“You would start by identifying how those ideas would be beneficial to you at home–with the things you have to accomplish around the house, for example, your chores or dealing with your family. Then ask yourself, how would those traits benefit you at work, or in a social environment? Let’s start with your housework. What is the benefit of applying those traits to the work you do at home?”

“Instead looking at it as things I don’t want to do, I could look at it as just things that need my attention. Things that would make me feel better about myself if I just did them.”

“How would you go about implementing those traits at work?”

“By just doing the work I’m expected to do and not look for approval or validation from my supervisor or my co-workers.”

“And how would you do that?”

“By doing the best I’m capable of doing.”

“What would be the benefit of that?”

“It would make me feel better about myself.”

“Okay, and how would those traits benefit your interaction with your family?”

“By not expecting them to prop me up emotionally. Again, I would put more effort into things, not for their approval, but because it would make me feel better about myself.”

“And finally, how would those traits benefit your social life?”

“By helping me to see what I bring to the table, by seeing my own value, my own self-worth. And knowing that if the person I’m with doesn’t value what I have to offer, it’s okay if I move on.”

“Why is it okay?”

“Because everyone is entitled to his or her opinion. And just because they disagree with me doesn’t mean that what I feel is any less valid.”

“Very good! I think you’re finally ready.”

“Me too.” Jess smiled. “It’s like, now that I know what I’m trying to accomplish, I can see clearly where I want to go and what it’s going to take for me to get there.”

At this, Louis smiled. “Good job, Jess.”

“Thank you, Louis.

Sixth Session: Jess

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Finding Your Footing

“How are you doing today, Jess?” Louis asked, giving her his undivided attention.

“I’m okay, I guess,” she answered. “I thought about what you said about me being the safe place. I’m curious as to how that’s going to help me become a better person.”

“It’s going to help you become a better you. Keep in mind, you have everything that you need to achieve that goal already. You just need a strategy for how you’re going to execute it.”

“That’s the problem. Obviously, I’m looking at things in a negative way, and it’s affecting everything I do. Last week, I felt really defeated.”

“Why?”

“If I’m the safe place, then I’ve had everything that I needed to make my life better. Why couldn’t I do it?”

“Remember I told you that depression often gives us a negative perspective of the way we see things? Today, we want to devise a plan to help you find your footing by removing that negative perspective.”

“How do we do that?”

“Picture this. If I were to place two markers six feet a part on the floor and ask you to stand on one marker and jump to the second marker, do you think you could do it?”

“I could try.” She chuckled.

“Where do you think you might land?”

“Somewhere in the middle, maybe.” She chuckled once more.

“Okay. My next question is, how do you think you might land? For example, if you land clumsily on one foot, you may stand for a moment, but there is a greater chance that you might topple over.”

“True.” She smiled.

“Now consider this. If you land on two feet, you would have a greater opportunity to establish a firmer stance, one that would offer more support. Do you agree?”

“I agree. But how do I do it?

“Let’s go back. We’ve already established that by doing things that are kind, considered, helpful, and so on, that other people would see you as such. If others see those qualities in you, do you think you would receive the same negative responses you’ve received in the past?”

“It’s difficult to say. I mean, sometimes you could be kind or helpful to someone, but they could still be mean or nasty in return.”

“But that goes back to, it’s not mandatory that people treat us kindly. That’s something we owe to ourselves.”

“So, what difference does it make if we treat other people kindly or not, if it’s not going to be reciprocated?”

“That’s a very good question. But you have to ask yourself, are you being kind for the sole purpose of someone being kind to you in return, or does being kind allow you to feel a sense of self-fulfillment?  In other words, do you find it beneficial to yourself?”

“When you put it that way, I could see that. But what does that have to do with finding my footing?”

“Finding your footing is finding ways to dissipate the negative responses from others you may incur throughout your day. You do this by lifting the negative perception you’ve placed on your relationship with others.”

“I don’t think I like having to work at seeing things differently. It’s too hard. It doesn’t come natural for me to do that.”

“I’m sure it doesn’t. But let’s see if it’s something you could try. Give me  a situation at work where your co-workers made you feel disrespected or not valued.”

“Okay, uhm, I was doing my work and a coworker came over and told me that it was my turn to do the backup for the daily reports. So, I went to do them, and when I finished, I printed them out and gave them to her. Then she slammed them down on the desk and kept talking to another coworker. And that is an example of how I feel in most of my interactions with people. Like what I do means nothing. It’s not appreciated or considered valuable.”

“That is a very good example. So, let’s take that feeling of nothingness and reprocess it.”

“How do I do that?”

”By reminding yourself that you are doing what is expected of you, whether it’s acknowledged or not. Once you have done the thing that was expected, your part in the process was completed. In other words, you have finished your part and the validation that you’re looking for is not required.”

“But it’s needed!” Jess protested.

“But that need you have of being validated is putting your feelings in the hands of someone you’ve already identified as being toxic. What could you possibly hope to gain from that expectation?”

“Okay, but when you said that if I do things that are kind, people will see me as being kind. I don’t see how the two examples line up? How does my being kind to other people, make them treat me better?”

“What you have to understand, Jess, is that your doing things that are kind, doesn’t guarantee that people will treat you kindly. That’s not what we’re talking about here. Remember, we have absolutely no control of how others treat us. What I’m trying to suggest to you is a way to help you find your footing. And that is how you learn to feel about yourself, despite the negative actions you receive from others. Think of it this way, if you do something kind, people will, more than likely, see you as a kind person. Some people will feel incline to show you kindness in return. If that happens, great. But for those situations when they don’t reciprocate favorably, you won’t be affected by their negative actions. The safe place is within you. It’s kept safe because you’re not exposing the things that make you–you to the rest of the world. You’re not putting it on display for other people’s validation or approval. That safe place belongs to you and you alone. And it is to be protected at all cost.”

“So, in that situation, I wouldn’t have expected any validation or appreciation for completing the task,” she said, giving the matter some thought.

“Exactly. When you tell yourself that you need other people’s validation, you’re giving them permission to either build you up, or tear you down. Why trust another person with that kind of power?”

“Okay. I can see how that has played a part in my relationships in the past. So, if I look at things in a more positive manner, it would be beneficial to me. However, I can’t expect other people to acknowledge it.”

“Exactly. We’re going to stop there.”

“What happens now?”

“Now that we’ve established how to find your footing, in our final session, we’ll take a look at ways to help you move forward. I’ll see you next week.”

Fifth Session: Jess

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“How are you doing today? Louis asked, watching Jess claimed her usual seat across from his desk.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about our last session,” she began.

“What are your thoughts?”

“I didn’t realize that I was still carrying the baggage of being bullied as a child with me. I honestly thought that I had pushed all of that aside.”

“Bullying is a form of rejection at its worst. It is a relationship between you and another person or persons that affects not only the body but the mind. As I recall,” Louis said, flipping to the page in Jess’ file. Having found what he was looking for, he cleared his throat and read. “You described yourself as feeling upset, vulnerable, not in control, and helpless.”

“I remember.”

“Let’s go back. Let’s take a look at all the relationships in your life, starting with the relationship you have with yourself.”

“Me?” She smiled.

“You. In our first session, you described yourself as feeling a heavy sadness that’s weighing you down. You expressed feeling as though you’re dragging yourself through life. That you’re hurting. That you berate yourself for the trivial mistakes you make. That you want to be happy, but you can’t. When I asked if there was anything that triggered those feelings, you said that it was just a buildup of things that weren’t going right.”

“So you’re saying that the trigger was the bullying I experienced as a child?”

“Not quite. In last week’s session, we identified the pivotal moment of bullying as the trigger. But this week, I’d like to go back even further.”

“To what?”

“You described your relationship with your family as being comfortable with each other. That you say things right off the cuff. That you’re not trying to hurt each other emotionally, but you often do.”

“So the trigger is my family?”

“Before I answer that question,” he smiled, “let’s look at the relationship you have with your co-workers and your supervisor.”

“I said it was toxic.”

“Why?”

“Everybody is critical of each other. There’s so much distrust and gossip.”

“And romantic interests? Do you remember how you described those relationships?”

“I said, I’m not what guys are usually looking for.”

“There is a common thread that links all of those negative relationships together. Can you identify it?”

“It’s me. I’m the common thread. I’m the negative thing that’s affecting all of my relationships. Is that what you’re saying?”

“It’s not you, Jess. It’s how you perceive yourself. You see, in each of those relationships, you carry how you see yourself with you wherever you go. Keep in mind, those kids saw something in you that made them think that bullying you was an easy objective. The trigger didn’t come from them. Their choosing to be cruel to you was triggered from something that was there way before they even met you.”

“So, my feelings of vulnerability, not feeling in control, feeling helpless came from my family. Is that what you’re saying?”

“I’m saying, it came from home. Not the home where you grew up. The home that is in you. What’s inside you. What makes you–you. Think about it. You said that your family felt comfortable enough to say whatever they wanted to each other. As a child growing up with such relaxed boundaries, your guard was down because you felt safe to let it down. Why? Because you were with people who you knew loved you. There was a feeling of trust. Trust that these people who called themselves your family, would never really hurt you in a way that was damaging to your core.”

“Yeah. That sounds about right.”

“So what happened when those words or actions went too far? The trust was broken. And that was the trigger that created your vulnerability, your feelings of not being in control, and feeling helpless. You carried all of that to school, and other children fed off of those emotions. Those emotions dug deep and became scars that couldn’t heal because they’re were being compounded with continuous negativity from people who didn’t love you. They didn’t care about your well-being. To them, you were just an easy target that was there to help them release their aggression. And little by little, what you perceived as rejection from your family and your peers bled over into your adult life, which includes your relationships at work and personal interactions with others.”

“Which brings me to where I am. Broken.”

“But consider this. The cause of your feeling broken wasn’t caused by those other entities. Remember? I said that it started at home. With you, not your family, not the children who bullied you, not your toxic work environment, not your failed romantic interests. But you. It’s not mandatory that people treat us kindly. That’s something we owe to ourselves. Last week, we talked about owning the hurdle that broke you by jumping in with both feet. This week, we want to talk about finding a safe place to land. Some place that’s familiar, welcoming, nonthreatening–safe.”

“Where is that?”

“Home. The place inside you.”

“So I’m the safe place.”

“It has to start with you, Jess. You’re the common thread, remember? You are going to carry yourself around with you everywhere you go. How you perceive yourself is going to be beneficial to what you show others. Remember, initially they don’t know you. They’ve never met you. Based on your words, you said that you care about people. You like to make them happy. You like to laugh. You like to feel needed. You like to feel useful–like you’re making a difference. From that, we inferred that you are a kind, bubbly, considerate, helpful human being. The only thing you need to do is believe it. And you do that by doing things that are kind, by finding joy and laughter in things you enjoy, by recognizing the value of other people’s feelings, and by being helpful in whatever ways you can. Once you put those actions into practice–that’s the you, people will start to see. Do you think that’s doable?”

“It sounds a lot easier than actually doing it.” She chuckled.

“It might help to think of it this way. You’re not changing who you are. You’re helping the scars you’ve acquired throughout your life to heal by actively allowing yourself to be the person you truly are. With constant effort, it will get easier. Remember, strengthen yourself from the inside, and work your way out.”

“Okay.” She smiled. “I’ll try it. I feel like this is something you would tell me in our last session.”

“Not quite. The next thing you’ll need to do is find your footing. I can tell you what needs to be done. But you have to figure out how you’re going to do it. We will discuss that in our next session. See you next week.”

Fourth Session: Jess

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“How are you doing today?” Louis asked, preparing to jot down notes in Jess’ file.

“I did the assignment you gave me last week,” she said.

“How did it go?”

“I struggled a bit.”

“Define struggle.”

“The attributes that you said described me was,” she paused, reaching down and pulling a small notebook from her purse on the floor. “I actually wrote them down,” she said with a chuckle, flipping open the notebook to the page in question.

Then she smiled. “Here it is.” She cleared her throat. “You said that I am a kind, bubbly, considerate, helpful human being.”

“Do you disagree with that?”

“Kind of.”

“Why?”

“When I’m going through my day, I don’t feel the things you described. I mean sure, if I’m really thinking about it, then I can say that’s how I want to be. But just moving about my day, and the things I deal with, it doesn’t feel like me. Does that make sense?”

“Of course it does. You have to understand that those attributes are the you that would exist if there weren’t stressors in your life.”

“But don’t stressors define how we really are?”

“Stressors can define a part of us. For example, let’s say I walk into a room and without warning, I stub my toe on the side of a desk. Based on the severity of the pain that causes, I may rant and rave in anger and frustration. Does that mean that I’m an angry and frustrated person? No. Therefore, I wouldn’t be defined as such. But that would define how I reacted in that moment. Still that’s only a small part of me. Let’s say thirty minutes later, I find out that I’m getting a sizeable bonus on my paycheck. Would I react the same way as I did when I stubbed my toe? No, of course not. My reaction would be excited and happy.”

“But that wouldn’t exactly be a stressor. It would be more of something good that happened as opposed to something bad.”

“Keep in mind a stressor can be positive or negative. An example of a positive stressor would be winning the lottery or receiving an award. That type of stressor would make you feel happy or excited as oppose to pressured or irritable.”

“So, you’re saying that our reactions match the things we experience throughout our day. They change.”

“Exactly.”

“That’s the reason I struggled with the assignment because you identified me as a kind, bubbly, considerate, helpful human being. But when I’m at home, or at work, or on a date, I don’t see myself being that way.”

“How do you see yourself?”

“I feel frustrated, irritable, anxious, afraid.”

“Okay. Let’s go back. The assignment that you had before when you described the favorable moments that you had at work, at home, or when you were out in a social setting–those moments were favorable for you because you said they made you happy.”

“They did. But the problem is, I couldn’t really enjoy the moment because I was too busy feeling like I could do or say something that was going to hurt somebody’s feelings or mess something up. So, I was never present in the current moment because I was too busy reliving the past moments. Does that make sense?”

“Absolutely. But you have to ask yourself this. If you had been able to shut out those past moments, do you think you could have been in the moment? And if so, do you think you could have described yourself as being kind, considerate, helpful, or even bubbly?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never seen myself as being any of that. I mean, I said those favorable moments that I wrote in my journal made me feel that way after the fact. But during, I didn’t feel that way.”

“So, you weren’t able to do last week’s assignment. I misunderstood. I thought you said you did.”

“I tried. That’s what I meant. So, once again, I failed.”

“You didn’t fail because that wasn’t the assignment.”

“It wasn’t?” she asked with a tilt of her head.

“No, the assignment was for you to determine which attributes could be beneficial to you at work, at home, or in a social environment. Meaning, could you see where those attributes could be useful to you in those particular settings. I didn’t expect you to tell me that you have felt those things because, like you said, you don’t see yourself that way. But that didn’t mean that once you learned how to manage the stressors in your life, that couldn’t change. So you didn’t fail. Actually, you’re right on track.”

“How?”

“As I told you, this is where we jump in with both feet. We’re going to do this by putting in the time and commitment required for owning the hurdle that broke you. This is where the real work begins.”

“How do we start?”

“The entries you wrote in your journal, you said that you couldn’t enjoy those moments because you were too busy feeling as if you were going to do or say something to hurt somebody, or mess something up. That during those times you felt frustrated, irritable, anxious, and apprehensive.”

“Yes, I remember. So how do I stop feeling those things?”

“First you have to understand how those attributes are related.”

“How would I do that?”

“You would do that by defining what those words mean to you. And keep in mind, there’s no right or wrong answer. How would you define frustration?”

“Okay, uhm, I would say that frustration is feeling angry or anxious.”

“How would you define irritable?”

“Uhm, to me, irritable means being annoyed or angry.”

“How would you define anxious?”

“Anxious means being afraid that something is going to go wrong. So, you feel nervous about it.”

“And how would you define apprehensive?”

“I would say apprehensive means that you’re thinking something bad is going to happen, so that makes you feel nervous or scared.”

“Okay. In that regard, there were some definitions that overlapped, meaning some words had similar meanings. Two words, in particular, that stuck out were anger and fear. Did you catch that?”

“Yes.” She smiled.

“Let’s try it again. This time I want you to define anger.”

“Uhm, being really upset about something.”

“And lastly, I want you to define fear.”

“Something that makes you feel afraid.”

“Dig deeper. Tell me what being afraid means to you.”

“Feeling vulnerable. Not feeling in control. Helpless.”

“Very good. Let’s put those key words together. What word did you use to define anger?”

“Being really upset about something.”

“And fear?”

“Feeling vulnerable, not in control, helpless.”

“Put those words together in a sentence.”

“I feel really upset, vulnerable, not in control, and helpless.”

“There was a pivotal moment in your life that triggered those feelings. What was it?”

“Being bullied in school.”

Jess’s pursed her lips as she sat staring back at him. Her eyes became glassy. Quickly she reached up and dried them with the back of her hand.

“Do you see how those words described how being bullied made you feel?”

“Yes.”

“We’re going to stop there,” he said, moving the box of tissues over closer to her reach.

“Okay.” She reached for a tissue and pressed it against the tears that streamed down her cheek.

“How are you doing?” he asked.

“I’m okay. I’m just sitting here, thinking about how it all comes back to that. I thought after all this time, I had moved on. I’ve tried to.”

“It’s difficult, but not impossible. The good news is that you’re working on it.”

“How?”

“Now that you’ve jumped in with both feet, you’re going to need a safe place to land. I’ll see you next time.”

Third Session:Jess

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“So, how are you doing today? Louis asked Jess, opening her file.

“Good. I guess.”

“Have you started keeping your journal?”

“I have. It’s a little more time consuming than I thought it would be.”

“Either you’re recalling a lot of positive moments, or you’re writing the few moments you’ve recalled in great detail. Either way, it’s a win, win.”

“Yeah. I will admit that it does feel kind of nice to read them. I almost forgot those moments even existed.”

“That’s the purpose of the journal. Today, we’ll take a look at the three compartments–your home, work, and social environments. As I recall, you said that it was all negative.”

“My journal entries reminded me that there were a few positive moments.”

“Given that, how would you describe your overall relationship with your family?

“I would say that there are times when we’re typically happy to be together. But the longer we stay in each other’s company, the more critical we become.”

“So, that’s when you, as a whole, usually sink into your old habits?”

“Exactly. So, most of the positive entries for my family are pretty short, or incomplete.”

“It sounds like there’s potential for something more positive and engaging to develop with the right tools.”

“What kind of tools?”

“We’ll get to that. How would you describe your overall work environment?”

“It’s all pretty boring. Just me, handling phone calls, dealing with clients, and working with customer orders. Things like that.”

“Are you working within your skill set?”

“Unfortunately.” She chuckled.

“What would you prefer doing?”

“It’s not like I can quit my job, and work somewhere else?”

“Why can’t you?”

“Getting that job wasn’t easy. I may not care too much for the work, but the benefits are good. It’s a pretty easy commute. Besides that, I’m not up to looking for another job. Let alone interviewing for one.”

“Okay, so there are some positives.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Let’s move on. How would you describe your social environment?”

“I don’t really like myself when I’m around other people.”

“Why?”

“I feel like I’m always trying to impress them. Like I can’t be myself. I feel like I’m not funny enough, or outgoing, or interesting. It’s like, I don’t think people are  interested in what I have to say.”

“Okay.” He paused for a moment, and then he continued. “In our first session, you said you didn’t seem to be what guys are looking for. Is that what you are referring to?”

“No, that was in general.”

“So, in a romantic sense, what do you think guys are looking for?”

“Someone who’s attractive, confident, outgoing, funny, bubbly. Someone who’s not afraid to be vulnerable.”

“What is your definition of attractive?”

“Women who are confident and know how to use what they have to their advantage. I’m not like that.”

“Confident, you mean?”

“Right.”

“Confidence is a display of inner strength. What are your strengths?”

“I wouldn’t exactly say I have any. I’m just me.” She shrugged her shoulders.

“How would you describe you?”

“I like to read. I like to watch TV.”

“Those are things you like to do.  I’m asking, what strengths would you use to describe your personality?”

“I can’t think of any strengths. But I would say that I’m guarded. I’m not comfortable putting myself out there.”

“Judging by your journal entries, how would you describe you–the person who experienced each of those favorable moments?”

She stared at him for a moment, and then she proceeded.

“Well, I guess I would say that I care about people. I like to make them happy. I like to laugh. I like to feel needed. I like to feel useful–like I’m actually making a difference. But I guess you would say that’s something I like to do.”

“What you’re describing are the things that make you–you. Not things that you enjoy doing? Do you see the difference?”

“Yes.”

“So judging by what you’ve said, we could say that you are a kind, bubbly, considerate, helpful human being.”

“You really think that?”

“Those are your words.”

“Yeah. I guess they are.” Her cheeks rose with a smile. “So what do I do with that?”

“Last week, we talked about looking at the parts of your well-being that are working. Therefore, I’m giving you your next assignment. I want you write a journal entry that describes how your personal attributes can be useful or beneficial in each of the three compartments.”

“Okay. But how does that go with what you said last week about us rebuilding my mental headspace?”

“After you’ve decided where your attributes are beneficial, the second part of your assignment is to rate them according to their value. You will determine which attribute can be used in all three compartments. For example, if you have an attribute that works well in all three compartments, you would list that as your strongest attribute. Do you see where I’m going with this?

“Yes. I get it. So, what happens next?”

“Once you’ve completed this assignment, we’ll be ready to jump in with both feet. That’s where the real work will begin.  See you next week.”

Second Session: Jess

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Age 29, single, office administrator

     “How are you doing today?” Louis asked.

     “Okay, I guess,” Jess returned.

     “You mentioned feelings of sadness and hopelessness in our last session regarding some of the things that were going on at work and how you think your family perceives you and your situation from a romantic standpoint. I asked if there was anything that may have triggered those feelings, and you stated that it was just a cluster of a lot of bad things that weren’t going right.”

     “I remember.”

     “I proposed the idea of you separating your work, home, and social environment—meaning it would be categorized within those three compartments. There would be no integration.”

     “But aren’t things supposed to be integrated? I mean, life is messy. It all falls in there together.”

     “That’s exactly my point. It’s blending together and forming one enormous block of negativity. I propose we break the block into smaller, more manageable parts.”

     “But what would be the point of that? It’s all negative.”

     “That is your perception of your situation. Perception is how we think or feel about something or someone based on a past experience. For example, if I had a negative experience—say, a panic attack on a roller coaster as a child, I may have a negative perception of roller coasters as an adult. Depression, on the other hand, tends to cloud our judgment, so our perception of most things is negative.”

      “So, you’re saying I need to look at my environment more positively? That’s easier said than done. I’m still the same me at home, at work, on dates. I just don’t see anything positive in any of it. It’s not there.”

      “I know how important it is for you to convince yourself that it’s a done deal. But I believe our perception of everyday things can be positive or negative. “

     “But how does that help?” 

     “Take an optimistic person, for example. The difference between this person and someone less than optimistic is that the optimistic person may view their life as an opportunity to accomplish something productive or to make a positive connection with someone, and the belief that they will achieve what they set out to accomplish. “

     “Things don’t always work out the way you want them to.”

     “That’s very true. But when confronted with a negative outcome, optimistic people will regroup, make a new plan, and try again. A person, who is less than optimistic, may get stuck overgeneralizing by using words such as always, never, everything, or nothing in the negative sense to describe their situation. Does any of that sound familiar?”

      “Yeah, I may have used a few of those words.” She smiled, as did Louis.

      “Okay. I want you to try something. Let’s say I ask you to describe your home environment again without using any of those words. Could you do it?”

      “I don’t remember what I said before.”

      “Well, I just happened to jot it down.” He smiled, skimming through his notes in her file. “Let’s see. You said, ‘Not to mention the stuff I do at home—the laundry, the dishes, cleaning the bathroom—it never ends’. Now, give it a try.”

      “Okay,” She paused with thought. “I have to do the laundry, the vacuuming, the dishes, and the bathroom. There, I did it. I even added one.” She chuckled.

      “Yes, you did.” He smiled. “Good job! But do you see how you’ve changed the tone of the things that cause stress for you? By not using those words, you’re simply naming chores that need to be done.”

      “I see how it sounds more positive, but it’s still not something I want to do.”

      “Maybe not. But consider this. Today you seem a little more upbeat than you did last week. People, in general, experience a range of different emotions throughout the day. It all depends on what we feel at a particular moment that dictates our perception of things around us, even though our overall mood may be depressed. “

      “What are you saying?”

      “Something small may have triggered a happy emotion for you today that may have brought about a lighter feeling that wasn’t there last week. Now that doesn’t mean it’s enough to change your whole life, and it certainly doesn’t mean that suddenly all is right with the world. But it does mean that even in your depression, all is not lost. Some parts of your emotional well-being are functioning properly, which means some pieces can be salvaged. It depends on your perception. Would you agree?”

      “Yes. I can see that.”

      “So, when you feel a little more hopeful, like today, I want you to start a journal. This journal will help you put certain aspects of your life into a positive perspective. Begin by writing  definitions for the words motivated and optimistic.”

      “I already know what those words mean.”

      “Would you use those two words to describe yourself?”

      “Definitely not.” She chuckled with a shake of her head.

      “Why?”

      “Because I don’t feel optimistic about anything right now. And the fact that everything I try to do turns out wrong doesn’t make me motivated to keep trying.”

     “That’s the reason I want you to start a journal. Being motivated is having the will or the desire to do something. Being optimistic is having a positive or confident outlook toward something or someone. You may ask yourself, what is the significance of those two words? Well, they go together. I am more motivated to do something if I am optimistic that it will turn out well. Do you see where I’m going with this?”

      “Yes.”

      “Okay, I’m giving you an assignment. I want you to redefine the words motivated and optimistic. Describe what these words mean to you when you look at the situation within your home, work, or social environment. There had to have been a time when your family had something positive to say on your behalf. Could that have been your reason for saying that you like your family for the people they are with a resounding, ‘Yeah, of course’? There had to have been times when you performed a task at work, and your supervisor was pleased. Did that moment bolster your confidence that you are a capable employee?”

     “Maybe a few times.”

      “What about the guy that you mentioned? There must have been some positive moments shared between you for you to label it as a relationship. It couldn’t have been all bad. Could you be motivated to keep trying and be optimistic that new outcomes could be as positive as the ones you’ve had before? Write a few pages describing in detail those moments you’ve experienced where things worked out in your favor. Describe how those favorable outcomes made you feel.”

      “Is this something I have to show you when I’m done?”

      “These journal entries are for you to refer to when you feel less than optimistic. Our brains tend to hang on to the negatives more than the positives. This journal will help you to see that the things that appear as negatives in your life are just things that need your attention. Their sole purpose is not to cause you sadness and emotional pain. 

       “Okay.  So once I’ve done that, what happens next?”

       “Once you’ve looked at each part and determined which parts can be salvaged, we can begin putting your mental headspace back together.”

First Session: Jess Shepner

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Age 29, single, office administrator 

The slump of her shoulders and sullen eyes screamed depression.

     “Jess, do you want to come on back?” Louis asked as he stood at his office door entrance, displaying calm reassurance. Jess got up and crossed the floor. She entered the office and settled in the chair across from his desk. Setting her purse on the floor, Jess dropped her hands into her lap with a sigh. Her eyes met him with uncertainty as she waited for him to begin.  

     “How are you doing today?” Louis asked.

     “Physically, I’m okay—I guess.” She forced a smile to appear as though she were okay.

     “Why do I hear a but?” 

     “I feel down.”

     “Define down.”

     “There’s nothing there—just this heavy sadness weighing me down. I feel like I’m dragging myself through life. Everything seems so empty, so meaningless. I want to enjoy my life, but I can’t.”

     “How long have you been feeling this way?”

     “For a while now.”

     “How are you doing at work?”

     “It’s just a lot of stuff I’m not up to dealing with. My supervisor always finds fault with everything I do.  My co-workers can’t agree on anything. Between the gossip and the distrust, it’s so toxic. I’m starting to fall behind on my work. Clients call all the time. They’re always complaining about something. It’s so hard to get up in the morning. There’s just nothing to look forward to. Not to mention the stuff I do at home—the laundry, the dishes, cleaning the bathroom—it’s all routine. It never ends.” She sighed deeply. “I’m sorry.”

     “Why are you apologizing?”

     “I don’t mean to complain.”

     “You’re doing fine, Jess. Keep going.”

     “I don’t feel fine. I’m hurting. And I don’t know what to do about it. The sadness is unbearable; it doesn’t let up. And the guilt—it’s always there. It’s like I can make the most trivial mistake, and I berate myself for it. I don’t know why I do it. It’s not like I want to. I want to be happy, but I can’t. I’m starting to think this is just how I’m supposed to be. I don’t know.” 

     “Let’s go back.”

     “To what?” she asked.

     “You say you’ve been feeling this way for a while now. Is there anything that has happened that may have triggered these feelings?”

     “It’s just a buildup of things not going right. It’s not one thing in particular. It’s a cluster of a lot of bad things that makes me feel like things are just hopeless. I can’t explain it.”

     “I think you’ve given me a pretty descriptive picture. How is your relationship with your family?”

     “It’s good. I guess. I really don’t have the time to see them as much as I probably should.”

     “Are you okay with that? Or is that something you’d like to change?”

     “If I’m being honest, I really don’t care to be around anybody right now.”

     “May I ask why?”

     “I love my family. But we can all be pretty critical of each other. That’s just how we are.”

     “You included?”

     “I don’t try to be. It’s just we’re so comfortable with each other. A lot of times, we say things right off the cuff. We don’t mean to hurt each other. But we do. That’s how it is. I’m just not up for being around that right now.”

     “That’s understandable. But let me ask you, if you could change it, would you?”

     “I’m not sure how I could change it. But yeah—I wish things were different. Like I said. I love my family. But I don’t feel like they get me. Like they know who I am. Or how I feel. Sometimes I wonder if we weren’t related, would they even like me as a person.”

     “Do you like them—as people, I mean?”

     “Yeah.” She chuckled. “Of course.”

     “But you feel like it’s not reciprocated?”

     “It’s complicated. I do try to be nice, but I feel like a lot of times, I’m constantly having to explain myself. Or better yet, defend myself.”

     “In what regard?”

     “I don’t always feel like they support me.”

     “Can you give me an example?”

     “If I’m having a bad day at work, I try to tell them how I feel, and they usually say that it’s something I’m doing wrong. I try dating, but I don’t seem to be what guys are looking for.  Again, my family will say it’s me. It’s like, no matter how hard I try, nothing I do is ever good enough. It makes me feel bad about myself. Which is why I prefer being alone,” she said in a matter-of-fact tone.

     “I hear what you’re saying.  But usually, when people say they prefer being alone, it tends to be more of a defensive tactic than something they actually want. Could that be true for you?”

     “It’s just better for me that way.” Her voice faded. “The truth is, I don’t feel comfortable being around other people, let alone being in a relationship. I’m just not in a good place.”

     “You seem to experience substantial emotional stress throughout your day. Not to mention the work you’ve expressed, having to do at home. That’s a lot of negativity to deal with. I wonder what would happen if you could separate your home, work, and social environment.”

     “What would be the point? Everything seems so negative. There’s nothing to look forward to. I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. That way, I wouldn’t have to be around anyone. I could just—be left alone.”

     “I get that. Taking some personal time to regroup can serve a purpose. But when that purpose has been fulfilled, it’s time to gather yourself and get back out there. The question is, is that something you could see yourself doing—eventually?”

     “I honestly don’t have what it takes to keep putting myself out there.” She dropped her stare down to her hands resting in her lap.

     “I believe you do.”

     “How can you be so sure of that?” She glanced up at him.

     “You’re here.”

     “Yeah. Barely.”

     “That’s a good place to start.”

What We’re About

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FMIB was created with this thought in mind—to help when you’re dealing with emotional scars that have left you feeling unable to function in everyday life.

It’s the paralyzing fear with an overlay of unbearable sadness that keeps you from enjoying even the smallest part of your life and leaves you asking yourself questions such as, “Why am I not enough? Why don’t things work out for me? What’s the point in trying?

There are two extremes of the FMIB spectrum. While the rest of the world seems to gravitate somewhere toward the middle, you might find yourself running from one bout of excitement to another, with no stops in between, to avoid spending time by yourself, or you might find that spending time by yourself is all you want because the thoughts of your past have left you feeling unworthy to be in the presence of others. Both are the result of emotional scars that damage. Both are the result of feeling broken.

Where I Am is a collection of stories divided into the following seven stages:

Barely There

Pieces That Can Be Salvaged

Putting It Back Together

Jumping In with Both Feet

A Safe Place to Land

Finding Your Footing

Moving Forward

These stages follow the progress of Jess as she develops coping skills to help manage her feelings of brokenness during sessions with her therapist. Although Jess’s story is fiction, it is based on real-life situations that we hope you will find relatable.