Finding Your Footing
“How are you doing today, Jess?” Louis asked, giving her his undivided attention.
“I’m okay, I guess,” she answered. “I thought about what you said about me being the safe place. I’m curious as to how that’s going to help me become a better person.”
“It’s going to help you become a better you. Keep in mind, you have everything that you need to achieve that goal already. You just need a strategy for how you’re going to execute it.”
“That’s the problem. Obviously, I’m looking at things in a negative way, and it’s affecting everything I do. Last week, I felt really defeated.”
“Why?”
“If I’m the safe place, then I’ve had everything that I needed to make my life better. Why couldn’t I do it?”
“Remember I told you that depression often gives us a negative perspective of the way we see things? Today, we want to devise a plan to help you find your footing by removing that negative perspective.”
“How do we do that?”
“Picture this. If I were to place two markers six feet a part on the floor and ask you to stand on one marker and jump to the second marker, do you think you could do it?”
“I could try.” She chuckled.
“Where do you think you might land?”
“Somewhere in the middle, maybe.” She chuckled once more.
“Okay. My next question is, how do you think you might land? For example, if you land clumsily on one foot, you may stand for a moment, but there is a greater chance that you might topple over.”
“True.” She smiled.
“Now consider this. If you land on two feet, you would have a greater opportunity to establish a firmer stance, one that would offer more support. Do you agree?”
“I agree. But how do I do it?
“Let’s go back. We’ve already established that by doing things that are kind, considered, helpful, and so on, that other people would see you as such. If others see those qualities in you, do you think you would receive the same negative responses you’ve received in the past?”
“It’s difficult to say. I mean, sometimes you could be kind or helpful to someone, but they could still be mean or nasty in return.”
“But that goes back to, it’s not mandatory that people treat us kindly. That’s something we owe to ourselves.”
“So, what difference does it make if we treat other people kindly or not, if it’s not going to be reciprocated?”
“That’s a very good question. But you have to ask yourself, are you being kind for the sole purpose of someone being kind to you in return, or does being kind allow you to feel a sense of self-fulfillment? In other words, do you find it beneficial to yourself?”
“When you put it that way, I could see that. But what does that have to do with finding my footing?”
“Finding your footing is finding ways to dissipate the negative responses from others you may incur throughout your day. You do this by lifting the negative perception you’ve placed on your relationship with others.”
“I don’t think I like having to work at seeing things differently. It’s too hard. It doesn’t come natural for me to do that.”
“I’m sure it doesn’t. But let’s see if it’s something you could try. Give me a situation at work where your co-workers made you feel disrespected or not valued.”
“Okay, uhm, I was doing my work and a coworker came over and told me that it was my turn to do the backup for the daily reports. So, I went to do them, and when I finished, I printed them out and gave them to her. Then she slammed them down on the desk and kept talking to another coworker. And that is an example of how I feel in most of my interactions with people. Like what I do means nothing. It’s not appreciated or considered valuable.”
“That is a very good example. So, let’s take that feeling of nothingness and reprocess it.”
“How do I do that?”
”By reminding yourself that you are doing what is expected of you, whether it’s acknowledged or not. Once you have done the thing that was expected, your part in the process was completed. In other words, you have finished your part and the validation that you’re looking for is not required.”
“But it’s needed!” Jess protested.
“But that need you have of being validated is putting your feelings in the hands of someone you’ve already identified as being toxic. What could you possibly hope to gain from that expectation?”
“Okay, but when you said that if I do things that are kind, people will see me as being kind. I don’t see how the two examples line up? How does my being kind to other people, make them treat me better?”
“What you have to understand, Jess, is that your doing things that are kind, doesn’t guarantee that people will treat you kindly. That’s not what we’re talking about here. Remember, we have absolutely no control of how others treat us. What I’m trying to suggest to you is a way to help you find your footing. And that is how you learn to feel about yourself, despite the negative actions you receive from others. Think of it this way, if you do something kind, people will, more than likely, see you as a kind person. Some people will feel incline to show you kindness in return. If that happens, great. But for those situations when they don’t reciprocate favorably, you won’t be affected by their negative actions. The safe place is within you. It’s kept safe because you’re not exposing the things that make you–you to the rest of the world. You’re not putting it on display for other people’s validation or approval. That safe place belongs to you and you alone. And it is to be protected at all cost.”
“So, in that situation, I wouldn’t have expected any validation or appreciation for completing the task,” she said, giving the matter some thought.
“Exactly. When you tell yourself that you need other people’s validation, you’re giving them permission to either build you up, or tear you down. Why trust another person with that kind of power?”
“Okay. I can see how that has played a part in my relationships in the past. So, if I look at things in a more positive manner, it would be beneficial to me. However, I can’t expect other people to acknowledge it.”
“Exactly. We’re going to stop there.”
“What happens now?”
“Now that we’ve established how to find your footing, in our final session, we’ll take a look at ways to help you move forward. I’ll see you next week.”