“How are you doing today? Louis asked, watching Jess claimed her usual seat across from his desk.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about our last session,” she began.
“What are your thoughts?”
“I didn’t realize that I was still carrying the baggage of being bullied as a child with me. I honestly thought that I had pushed all of that aside.”
“Bullying is a form of rejection at its worst. It is a relationship between you and another person or persons that affects not only the body but the mind. As I recall,” Louis said, flipping to the page in Jess’ file. Having found what he was looking for, he cleared his throat and read. “You described yourself as feeling upset, vulnerable, not in control, and helpless.”
“I remember.”
“Let’s go back. Let’s take a look at all the relationships in your life, starting with the relationship you have with yourself.”
“Me?” She smiled.
“You. In our first session, you described yourself as feeling a heavy sadness that’s weighing you down. You expressed feeling as though you’re dragging yourself through life. That you’re hurting. That you berate yourself for the trivial mistakes you make. That you want to be happy, but you can’t. When I asked if there was anything that triggered those feelings, you said that it was just a buildup of things that weren’t going right.”
“So you’re saying that the trigger was the bullying I experienced as a child?”
“Not quite. In last week’s session, we identified the pivotal moment of bullying as the trigger. But this week, I’d like to go back even further.”
“To what?”
“You described your relationship with your family as being comfortable with each other. That you say things right off the cuff. That you’re not trying to hurt each other emotionally, but you often do.”
“So the trigger is my family?”
“Before I answer that question,” he smiled, “let’s look at the relationship you have with your co-workers and your supervisor.”
“I said it was toxic.”
“Why?”
“Everybody is critical of each other. There’s so much distrust and gossip.”
“And romantic interests? Do you remember how you described those relationships?”
“I said, I’m not what guys are usually looking for.”
“There is a common thread that links all of those negative relationships together. Can you identify it?”
“It’s me. I’m the common thread. I’m the negative thing that’s affecting all of my relationships. Is that what you’re saying?”
“It’s not you, Jess. It’s how you perceive yourself. You see, in each of those relationships, you carry how you see yourself with you wherever you go. Keep in mind, those kids saw something in you that made them think that bullying you was an easy objective. The trigger didn’t come from them. Their choosing to be cruel to you was triggered from something that was there way before they even met you.”
“So, my feelings of vulnerability, not feeling in control, feeling helpless came from my family. Is that what you’re saying?”
“I’m saying, it came from home. Not the home where you grew up. The home that is in you. What’s inside you. What makes you–you. Think about it. You said that your family felt comfortable enough to say whatever they wanted to each other. As a child growing up with such relaxed boundaries, your guard was down because you felt safe to let it down. Why? Because you were with people who you knew loved you. There was a feeling of trust. Trust that these people who called themselves your family, would never really hurt you in a way that was damaging to your core.”
“Yeah. That sounds about right.”
“So what happened when those words or actions went too far? The trust was broken. And that was the trigger that created your vulnerability, your feelings of not being in control, and feeling helpless. You carried all of that to school, and other children fed off of those emotions. Those emotions dug deep and became scars that couldn’t heal because they’re were being compounded with continuous negativity from people who didn’t love you. They didn’t care about your well-being. To them, you were just an easy target that was there to help them release their aggression. And little by little, what you perceived as rejection from your family and your peers bled over into your adult life, which includes your relationships at work and personal interactions with others.”
“Which brings me to where I am. Broken.”
“But consider this. The cause of your feeling broken wasn’t caused by those other entities. Remember? I said that it started at home. With you, not your family, not the children who bullied you, not your toxic work environment, not your failed romantic interests. But you. It’s not mandatory that people treat us kindly. That’s something we owe to ourselves. Last week, we talked about owning the hurdle that broke you by jumping in with both feet. This week, we want to talk about finding a safe place to land. Some place that’s familiar, welcoming, nonthreatening–safe.”
“Where is that?”
“Home. The place inside you.”
“So I’m the safe place.”
“It has to start with you, Jess. You’re the common thread, remember? You are going to carry yourself around with you everywhere you go. How you perceive yourself is going to be beneficial to what you show others. Remember, initially they don’t know you. They’ve never met you. Based on your words, you said that you care about people. You like to make them happy. You like to laugh. You like to feel needed. You like to feel useful–like you’re making a difference. From that, we inferred that you are a kind, bubbly, considerate, helpful human being. The only thing you need to do is believe it. And you do that by doing things that are kind, by finding joy and laughter in things you enjoy, by recognizing the value of other people’s feelings, and by being helpful in whatever ways you can. Once you put those actions into practice–that’s the you, people will start to see. Do you think that’s doable?”
“It sounds a lot easier than actually doing it.” She chuckled.
“It might help to think of it this way. You’re not changing who you are. You’re helping the scars you’ve acquired throughout your life to heal by actively allowing yourself to be the person you truly are. With constant effort, it will get easier. Remember, strengthen yourself from the inside, and work your way out.”
“Okay.” She smiled. “I’ll try it. I feel like this is something you would tell me in our last session.”
“Not quite. The next thing you’ll need to do is find your footing. I can tell you what needs to be done. But you have to figure out how you’re going to do it. We will discuss that in our next session. See you next week.”