“How are you doing today?” Louis asked, preparing to jot down notes in Jess’ file.
“I did the assignment you gave me last week,” she said.
“How did it go?”
“I struggled a bit.”
“Define struggle.”
“The attributes that you said described me was,” she paused, reaching down and pulling a small notebook from her purse on the floor. “I actually wrote them down,” she said with a chuckle, flipping open the notebook to the page in question.
Then she smiled. “Here it is.” She cleared her throat. “You said that I am a kind, bubbly, considerate, helpful human being.”
“Do you disagree with that?”
“Kind of.”
“Why?”
“When I’m going through my day, I don’t feel the things you described. I mean sure, if I’m really thinking about it, then I can say that’s how I want to be. But just moving about my day, and the things I deal with, it doesn’t feel like me. Does that make sense?”
“Of course it does. You have to understand that those attributes are the you that would exist if there weren’t stressors in your life.”
“But don’t stressors define how we really are?”
“Stressors can define a part of us. For example, let’s say I walk into a room and without warning, I stub my toe on the side of a desk. Based on the severity of the pain that causes, I may rant and rave in anger and frustration. Does that mean that I’m an angry and frustrated person? No. Therefore, I wouldn’t be defined as such. But that would define how I reacted in that moment. Still that’s only a small part of me. Let’s say thirty minutes later, I find out that I’m getting a sizeable bonus on my paycheck. Would I react the same way as I did when I stubbed my toe? No, of course not. My reaction would be excited and happy.”
“But that wouldn’t exactly be a stressor. It would be more of something good that happened as opposed to something bad.”
“Keep in mind a stressor can be positive or negative. An example of a positive stressor would be winning the lottery or receiving an award. That type of stressor would make you feel happy or excited as oppose to pressured or irritable.”
“So, you’re saying that our reactions match the things we experience throughout our day. They change.”
“Exactly.”
“That’s the reason I struggled with the assignment because you identified me as a kind, bubbly, considerate, helpful human being. But when I’m at home, or at work, or on a date, I don’t see myself being that way.”
“How do you see yourself?”
“I feel frustrated, irritable, anxious, afraid.”
“Okay. Let’s go back. The assignment that you had before when you described the favorable moments that you had at work, at home, or when you were out in a social setting–those moments were favorable for you because you said they made you happy.”
“They did. But the problem is, I couldn’t really enjoy the moment because I was too busy feeling like I could do or say something that was going to hurt somebody’s feelings or mess something up. So, I was never present in the current moment because I was too busy reliving the past moments. Does that make sense?”
“Absolutely. But you have to ask yourself this. If you had been able to shut out those past moments, do you think you could have been in the moment? And if so, do you think you could have described yourself as being kind, considerate, helpful, or even bubbly?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never seen myself as being any of that. I mean, I said those favorable moments that I wrote in my journal made me feel that way after the fact. But during, I didn’t feel that way.”
“So, you weren’t able to do last week’s assignment. I misunderstood. I thought you said you did.”
“I tried. That’s what I meant. So, once again, I failed.”
“You didn’t fail because that wasn’t the assignment.”
“It wasn’t?” she asked with a tilt of her head.
“No, the assignment was for you to determine which attributes could be beneficial to you at work, at home, or in a social environment. Meaning, could you see where those attributes could be useful to you in those particular settings. I didn’t expect you to tell me that you have felt those things because, like you said, you don’t see yourself that way. But that didn’t mean that once you learned how to manage the stressors in your life, that couldn’t change. So you didn’t fail. Actually, you’re right on track.”
“How?”
“As I told you, this is where we jump in with both feet. We’re going to do this by putting in the time and commitment required for owning the hurdle that broke you. This is where the real work begins.”
“How do we start?”
“The entries you wrote in your journal, you said that you couldn’t enjoy those moments because you were too busy feeling as if you were going to do or say something to hurt somebody, or mess something up. That during those times you felt frustrated, irritable, anxious, and apprehensive.”
“Yes, I remember. So how do I stop feeling those things?”
“First you have to understand how those attributes are related.”
“How would I do that?”
“You would do that by defining what those words mean to you. And keep in mind, there’s no right or wrong answer. How would you define frustration?”
“Okay, uhm, I would say that frustration is feeling angry or anxious.”
“How would you define irritable?”
“Uhm, to me, irritable means being annoyed or angry.”
“How would you define anxious?”
“Anxious means being afraid that something is going to go wrong. So, you feel nervous about it.”
“And how would you define apprehensive?”
“I would say apprehensive means that you’re thinking something bad is going to happen, so that makes you feel nervous or scared.”
“Okay. In that regard, there were some definitions that overlapped, meaning some words had similar meanings. Two words, in particular, that stuck out were anger and fear. Did you catch that?”
“Yes.” She smiled.
“Let’s try it again. This time I want you to define anger.”
“Uhm, being really upset about something.”
“And lastly, I want you to define fear.”
“Something that makes you feel afraid.”
“Dig deeper. Tell me what being afraid means to you.”
“Feeling vulnerable. Not feeling in control. Helpless.”
“Very good. Let’s put those key words together. What word did you use to define anger?”
“Being really upset about something.”
“And fear?”
“Feeling vulnerable, not in control, helpless.”
“Put those words together in a sentence.”
“I feel really upset, vulnerable, not in control, and helpless.”
“There was a pivotal moment in your life that triggered those feelings. What was it?”
“Being bullied in school.”
Jess’s pursed her lips as she sat staring back at him. Her eyes became glassy. Quickly she reached up and dried them with the back of her hand.
“Do you see how those words described how being bullied made you feel?”
“Yes.”
“We’re going to stop there,” he said, moving the box of tissues over closer to her reach.
“Okay.” She reached for a tissue and pressed it against the tears that streamed down her cheek.
“How are you doing?” he asked.
“I’m okay. I’m just sitting here, thinking about how it all comes back to that. I thought after all this time, I had moved on. I’ve tried to.”
“It’s difficult, but not impossible. The good news is that you’re working on it.”
“How?”
“Now that you’ve jumped in with both feet, you’re going to need a safe place to land. I’ll see you next time.”